FEEDING THE LITTLE RED HEN

This is a photo of me feeding the chickens when I was about two years old.  Little did I know then that I would feel like the little red hen these sixty-five years later.  The anger I sometimes feel because I have been the one making decisions for my Mother these past seven years is overwhelming some days.  I am sure it is frustrating for my only sibling Carolyn, who lives in California   She will be making arrangement to come back here for a visit this coming week.

So the little red hen now has Hospice nurses and coming to Mom's home three days a week and another agency coming two days to to laundry and housework and cook food if she will let them.  The bath aid tried to make a visit on Friday and she told them she didn't feel like it.   Ok...then today she wanted to know when they were coming to shampoo her hair.  I met the nurse there Friday and Mom didn't feel well which is understandable with all the cancer she has in the upper chest area.  Since Mom had told me the refrigerator needed cleaned out and she didn't want her helpers to do it I started it while the nurse was there and she helped me.  I was so thankful for the nurse by my side as the complaints flew about every item we put in the garbage.  She has told everyone we threw out her supper and she had to eat a peanut butter sandwich.  The nurse said she is a bit of a hoarder.  I showed her the well stocked freezer and pantry which is well stocked that is would last for months.

I know she is trying to have control as she fights for her life and to reach the big 90 on June 7.  She doesn't want a big party, just the kids and grand-kids.  I don't know if they will all come or not.  I have gotten her together with them several times and it is never enough because there is usually one or two who couldn't make it.   So the little red hen is turning the birthday party and invitations over to her only sibling

I hope I do what I do with compassion and empathy. Mom is elderly and is a child of God, as I am God's daughter also I try to see to her needs.  The grief I have is from never having a relationship with my Mom.  Will I grieve when she is gone...I don't think so...I want my past to be gone and to just know this was my cross to bear. I understand she didn't receive her Mother's love and was not able to give me what she had not received.  As far as I am concerned I feel like my younger sister was an only child.  She knows how it was for me and doesn't understand why.

I have told my son and daughter many times I don't want them to have to deal with what I have for the past few years...just put me in an assisted living facility and send a card once a year and live their life and be happy.